Dating for me has never been the romantic experience I spent hours daydreaming about when I was a young girl.
I always envisioned having a partner in crime who would write me love letters, sing 80’s music with me in the car or wrestle with me in the ocean like we’re on an episode of WWE. They would take my Dad to the footy, hold my hand during plane turbulence and not run away when times got tough.
Then I got older and ended up in misaligned situationships and faced disappointment, after disappointment.
My favourite boyfriend was actually the one I had when I was 15 years old. He was (and still is) the only boy I have ever said 'I love you' to. We enjoyed long snogs (for what felt like eternity) and dry humping on our favourite park bench. We had deep conversations and occasionally stepped it up to some light fondling in a nearby bush. He wrote me postcards from his holidays, and he always looked for me during school assemblies (we were in different forms, so we never got to sit together). It was wholesome, and it felt real. Then we broke up one fateful night on MSN Messenger, and my world shattered. Literally.
Now I am 32, and the pressure is on to find ‘the one'.
I try not to get affected by it all or feel like an underachiever for not having found my person yet (I was always a teacher's pet at school).
But, it does occasionally get to me when I see my friends and younger siblings getting married or having long, cosy weekends whilst I sit alone in coffee shops swiping on Hinge.
Baby announcements now fill my newsfeed, house reno’s have become the talk of the town, and spontaneous nights out are few and far between. Plans with friends are frequently cancelled due to exhaustion and sick children (I don’t even blame them really, it sounds awful).
To make matters worse, every time I see my lovely parents (which is every day now that I live with them), all they want to do is question me about my relationship status. Their disappointment gets harder to mask when I tell them that the date I went on last week was just ‘okay’."Come on, Rebecca, just give them a chance", echoes my Mother. But after six dates with someone, how many more chances do they get?
I know my parents don’t mean any harm by it; they simply just want some grandchildren to babysit, but it still makes me feel subpar. Do I want to be an older Mother? Not particularly. But I have not come this far to settle for a loser boyfriend. I really do not want to marry a loser.
So this year, I have decided that things are going to be different. I’ve already indulged in the ‘Year of the Horse’ propaganda, which tells me that 2026 is going to be my year (and as a self-aborbed Leo, of course, I gobbled it all up).
So, I am faking an injury and tapping out of the rat race of finding my soul mate (for now, anyway). It feels pretty good to say it. I fucking quit.
I am instead going to galivant into 2026 with the key focus being to simply improve... me.
Yep, I am going to pursue my talents no matter how hard. I am going to better my health (mentally, physically and spiritually). I am going to nail my finances. I am going to build solid habits and start taking my appearance a little more seriously (it’s probably time to invest in a good skincare routine). I'm going to sand down my spiky edges, ramp up my gratitude practice and embrace my feminine side (because how peaceful do those girls online look, dancing around their kitchen in white flowy skirts, making homemade kefir?)
I am going to be the most grounded, confident and unshakeable version of myself, so that absolutely nothing or nobody can disrupt my inner peace or ruin my plans for success. I’m going to do exactly what all the astrologers tell me to do and back my talents 1000%, take risks and not look back.
Because if I can handle getting ghosted, love bombed and let down by subpar people (afraid to have honest conversations), I can surely handle this, right?
Luckily, I have already done a lot of inner work that being single has forced me to do. Like overcoming severe self-doubt and that constant feeling of ‘lack’ (growing up in the 90’s made me feel like I literally lacked EVERYTHING). I have reversed my crippling anxiety with daily meditations and have finally got to a place where I don’t hate what I see when I look in the mirror - which is not to be sniffed at. I am also coming around to the idea that I am worth it and that someone would indeed be very lucky to be my WWE wrestling partner.
I know I can handle being single and not seeing it as a failure, but as a joy.
But do you know what I can’t handle?…
Not pursuing my dreams 100% and seeing what I am truly capable of. That thought of that kills me, and I don't want this to be the year that I find out.
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