How To Find Purpose When Nothing in Life Makes Sense.

Finding purpose in life is an ongoing quest—some people find it easily, while others struggle to find the thing that lights a fire in their bellies. After years of working overseas, I have now found myself living back home with my parents, unemployed and facing a bit of a predicament... what on Earth do I do now?

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It's New Year's Day, and I'm sitting on my parent’s living room floor. It's raining. I'm knackered after spending the night in Falmouth with my old schoolmates and sleeping on an airbed - mine luckily did inflate, but Polly's did not. Watching Polly (one of my oldest schoolmates) try and find the self-inflate pump at 3 am, which when located, did not work, was hysterical. After twenty minutes of nearly imploding, she gave up, laid down on a pillow and started watching a tutorial video on 'how to sing like a star in Wicked' in an attempt to soothe her fury. Our NYE did not turn out as planned, but we burst into laughter at that moment because it was either that or a cry. I slept in my jeans and used my mum’s scarf as a sheet.

Despite the anti-climactic start to the New Year, I don't have too much to complain about. I have a great family, wonderful pals and I've been to some pretty cool places. I've grown a lot over the last few years and am more confident in who I am and what I don't want for my life. Yet, since landing back in the UK three months ago, I have been struggling. Finding joy in the everyday has been hard and deciding what to do next has been NEAR impossible. I open the Google search tab daily and just stare at it thinking, what do I even type in?

The pressure to have it all 'figured out' starts to build and I end up burying my head even further into the sand. I am someone who always has a plan or at least an idea of what I want to do next. However, for the first time in what feels like a very long time, I have no idea and it is slightly terrifying. I know it should be exciting… the world is my oyster and all that jazz, but it has been the opposite. Whoever said that not deciding was worse than just picking something, was correct. I have taken myself on many walks over the last few months trying to get clarity, but I just end up feeling even more confused and have to bat off the frustrated tears.

Last week I got into an argument with my Mum (who was just trying to help) and I lost it. I cried very deeply and then took myself off to do a meditation. I came out of it feeling better and decided I needed to refocus on the basics.

I started to write down things I could do that would cultivate a little more meaning into my life and figure out what it is that I truly want, not what I ‘should want’ or what others think is ‘best for me’. If I could straighten up a few simple things, maybe it would help me be one step closer to finding my true purpose (or at least point me in the right direction).

Anyway, here are a few things that I came up with...

6 ways to cultivate more meaning in life (in my humble opinion)

The ability to express my true self

I know who I am deep down. I am a sensitive, caring, creative, opinionated, creative, silly, competitive, and passionate soul. I feel very deeply and care about those around me. However, I let deep-rooted beliefs take over when I feel insecure. These insecurities knock me off track and morph me into someone anxious, defensive, self-deprecating and a little mean. I tell myself negative things like, ‘What’s the point in this, it’s never going to make money’ or ‘You’re not even that talented, this is a waste of time’.

It's funny because I can't remember when all these thoughts started or why I even think like that. I've noticed that I tend to focus on the negative aspects of myself, over all the positive ones and it's fucked up.

If I'm going to move forward and make things happen for me, I know I must embrace my quirks, keep voicing my opinions and not stop until I am living the most authentic version of myself, because there is no one else quite like me and that should be celebrated, right? I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s fine. I don’t even like everyone, so how can I expect everyone to like me back?

I told myself the other day... 'What if I start embracing my true self and my life starts to exceed my expectations? It was quite a nice thought.

My goal for this year is to dance somewhere sober - I love to dance, but I get SO embarrassed. I tried to dance with a guy in Central America a few years ago and he was like 'Why are British girls sooooo stiff' - I remember thinking, fuck I need a tequila shot.

Random thought: I spent a bit of time in New York City this summer and felt very inspired by the energy of the people who live there. There were people from all walks of life just doing their thing, wandering around without a care in the world. I'm sure they all have their shit going on behind closed doors, but it is a nice reminder that we should all celebrate our differences and embrace who we are.

To live in alignment with my core beliefs and values

It can be very easy to back down to what our hearts call to, just because the people around us don't share the same vision as we do. Being brave enough to stand up for what we believe in is hard, but betraying ourselves is worse.

This reminds me of a funny time when I worked on the yacht. I got a bit tipsy one afternoon and a few of us decided to go shopping in Naples. We ended up in Sephora. Sephora is a dangerous place after a few Aperol. Now, I'm not a big makeup girl and am working my way to investing in low-toxic products and getting rid of my old products. I am pretty stern on this. However, I was feeling a little giddy and this very persuasive Italian lady approached me and started telling me how wonderful my skin was in her very thick Italian accent. She discovered my name and started seducing me in the foundation aisle, rolling her R's at every given opportunity... 'Rebeccccaaaa oh my gosh, Rebecccaaaa you are fabulous'. GUYS, I spent 250 euros on makeup, that is not something I would normally ever do. I called my sister the next day like 'WHO AM I!' I know that this is not deep. I am not against makeup, but I gave into a core belief because I wanted to be cute like all the other girls I worked with, and I did something I didn't believe in and for what? It still makes me chuckle thinking of that moment because as fun as working on a yacht was, it did not align with many of my values (apart from the importance of community, which is huge when working on a boat).

Since moving home, I have felt pretty disconnected from those around me. It’s not anyone’s fault – my school friends are settled and have families, and my siblings and other besties live far away. I love my parents, but they can only do so much. On one of my recent walks, I started to reflect on my travels and realised that many people do see the world the same way as I do, it’s just a matter of going out of my way to find them. I love Plymouth, but I have come to realise that I probably need to change my environment.

Live with an open heart

Living openly to me means learning to take risks, embracing new opportunities and being brave enough to accept that mistakes will be made, and failure is inevitable. Taking a leap of faith is terrifying, but living knowing 'what if' is going to be more haunting than ever giving it a real shot.

I am usually pretty good at taking risks when they don’t involve being vulnerable (I am working on this). I find it easier to uproot my whole life, start a new job and move to a new country than I do just invest in myself, it makes me laugh.

Random thought: Last year I went travelling solo for the first time. I was anxious and had no idea how it was going to go down. I had an unfortunate run-in with a wild pack of dogs (the scariest moment of my life), missed flights, nearly got abducted by an Uber driver at the Nicaragua border (the second most terrifying moment of my life) and got stranded on a small island with no money. However, I also felt more open to being myself, I spoke to people I wouldn’t usually speak to, I sat at bars by myself, I took myself out for dinners, I allowed myself time to write poetry, I let myself crush on my surf instructor who spoke zero English, I did my yoga teacher training in the jungle, swam naked in waterfalls daily and I learnt how to breathe deeply for the first time, it was all very invigorating. So I know I am capable of living openly, it's just a matter of incorporating this into my day-to-day life, rather than just embracing it when I am overseas.

Embrace meaningful connections with friends and myself

Connecting with someone on a deeper level is the best feeling in the world. When I meet someone that I instantly connect with, it makes me feel heard, loved and most importantly, not alone. Deep connections can occur spontaneously and with people, we might not expect. I truly believe that we should explore and embrace every spark that comes our way - whether it be from a potential friend or partner.

Random thought: I started my ski season a month late last year and was incredibly nervous that I wasn't going to meet anyone my age or who was in a similar phase of life to me. I remember getting thrown into my first shift hours after landing and this poor girl had to show me everything, whilst catering to 14 hungry guests the day before New Year's Eve. I remember thinking 'Oh my god I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm glad I'm doing it with her'. We were soon singing to Delta Goodrum and JoJo in the gondola and buying overpriced cappuccinos instead of going skiing. It happened again last summer when I reconnected with an old girlfriend I had not seen in over ten years - we clicked straight away and had so many laughs together. Some connections last a lifetime and others a brief moment in time, but they are equally as special. I've had moments with strangers that have opened my eyes (and heart) to knowing in ways I did not know were possible. Special connections can happen at any time and are always worth pursuing.

Nothing is more important than the relationship we have with ourselves. To be truly happy with who we are is an ongoing mission, but one worth pursuing. I am working on finding happiness within and not from outside sources (but it's a constant work in progress). I have a lot of work to do, but I truly like who I am and what I am becoming... for the most part anyway ;)

Being a positive self-talking machine

How many times do we look at ourselves in the mirror and think 'I am a sexy powerhouse human being who is going to destroy this day'.. If this is you, I applaud you. I am not there yet, but I'm working on utilising positive self-talk, especially in the morning (to set the tone my the day), whilst on a date (they are lucky to date ME), at the gym (this is heavy, but I am strong), or when creating (this might not look great right now but it's going to be epic). I just asked my sister how many times she does this and she replied 'every day'. It made me laugh and also made me realise how I don't utilise positive self-talk enough.

I often wonder how we would feel if we were to read every single thing that we said to ourselves in one day. I think I would be horrified by some of the things I tell myself, most often without even realising I am saying it.

This reminds me of a firefighting course I did a few years ago. At the end of the training, I had to do an exam, which involved going into a burning container and rescuing some dummies, then putting out a rather large fire. There were six groups, and our group went last. The group ahead of us were taking a while and everyone was waiting nervously for them to come out. Then suddenly, one of the girls runs out of the emergency exit crying and screaming 'My hands are on fire; they're burning through the gloves!'. A wash of panic came over me. I looked at my mentor and said, 'Tony, I can't do this!'. He looked me dead in the eye and said in a very thick Geordie accent, 'Bex, she is not YOU. Do not think about her'. I went in and had a stern word with myself - 'I can do this, I am calm, I am going to be fine'. I completely removed her experience from my mind and completed the task at hand with no problem (well we did have a few problems as one of the guys on my team fucked up which caused a lot of panic. Weirdly he was the tallest, biggest one out of all of us. It was fine in the end and the girl was okay, she just got a bit spooked by the heat).

Revisiting this story reminds me that I can live beyond my expectations once I stop comparing myself to those around me. We need to be kinder to ourselves and also to BACK ourselves. The amount of times I tell myself I can't do a simple task is so silly.

Understanding that life is not a race

Life is not a race and there is no finish line. We all move at different paces and achieve things at different times in our lives. Some people achieve things early on, and some people do later on. There is no 'right way' to do life.

There will be extreme highs, extreme lows and moments that will take our breath away. There will be people who will change our lives forever and experiences that we will never forget.

I am coming around to the fact that this period at home is just the universe giving me time to rest, recalibrate and refocus on what it is I truly want. I am 'not behind' my peers, or 'failing' - a narrative I often tell myself when I give in to societal pressures.

I have to pinch myself sometimes when I realise just how lucky I am to have experienced such a wonderful life so far and that there is SO MUCH good stuff yet to come.

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To conclude this post, I have realised that to move forward, I just need to let go of the pressures I put on myself, take a breath and make one decision at a time... the rest will fall into place.

I now know that not pursuing my creative ventures at this moment in time would feel like the ultimate betrayal. I am ready to chase my creative ventures, push myself out of this stagnant phase of life, embrace feelings of discomfort, have a laugh and be my most authentic self even if it is scary.

Because what if it all works out?

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. It means the world.

Bex.