Starting again, at 31.

What a wild 2024 it's been! Now back to the drawing board...

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When I hit 30, I was sat on the floor of the laundry room having a little cry. Mainly because I had received some lovely birthday messages and was feeling the love, but also because I felt home sick - I was mid charter and I had to iron sheets all day. It certainly could have been worse, the chef onboard made me my favourite flavour cake (vanilla sponge with fresh cream and strawberries), we were in Italy and the crew mess was filled with balloons and all of my favourite food. I also managed to sneak off the boat to see my brother the day after drop off (as he happened to be on vacay in Positano) because she our anchor snapped (which is a whole other story). I told myself though, that this year was going to be the best year yet and that I was going to just have fun, then worry about all the adult stuff later down the line (funny when you say 'I'll cross that bridge when I get to it', then you get to it and are like wtf do I do now... but anyway I digress).

I had a very testing, yet rewarding time on the yacht. I was brand new to the industry (at 29!) and had no idea what I was doing. My gig was deck / stew, so I spent half of my time outside and the rest inside helping the girls with service, housekeeping and laundry (I’ll do a more detailed post about my time onboard). I had so many highs and many lows! I met many wonderful people along the way and have never worked harder or endured longer hours in my life.

Anyway, after the summer charters wrapped up in October, I decided to leave and embark on a new quest - a ski season in Morzine. My role was to chalet host a fourteen person chalet with another chica - I was initially terrified about doing this, but it turned out to be so fun. The change of pace made the job feel like light work after 16 hour shifts on the yacht. I also had a new appreciation of freedom and some pennies in my pocket - it was magic. I felt very confident in my skillset and thoroughly cooking for the guests (although Maddie did most of the cooking) - everything flowed. I met some wonderful human beings, ate my body weight in croissants and cheese, got so much better at skiing (and tennis), visited Verbier and even had a holibobs romance. I laughed so much and soaked up every minute of being on the mountains - for those of you who ski, you know that feeling when the air is crisp, you wake up early, there is fresh snow, your mates are all off work AND it's freaking sunny?! Aperol's just taste that much better, there is no other feeling like it. Some days I went to bed smiling because I couldn't believe how good life was.

Following three months in the Alps (I couldn't do the full six months due to visa issues), I swapped my sallies for my sarong and headed to Asia - Mum and Dad in tow. This adventure was centred around the real love of my life - my sister. She was (and still is) living in Asia with her boyfriend who she met two years ago in Bali. My parents needed to know that she was alive and well, so we went to visit. Experiencing Bali, the Gili Islands, Nusa and Lombok with my parents was something I'll never forget - watching my poor mother ride off into the distance on a GoJek was incredible. We snorkelled, ate tasty food, got massages, hit the beach and enjoyed the pace of life. Dad got Bali belly and Mum developed an allergic reaction and looked like the dog meme (where he gets stung by a bee). Overall though, I think they loved it.

After Mum and Dad flew home, I stayed for another six weeks, clinging onto my little sister and embracing the slow life of Lombok. We scooted around the island, surfed (mainly getting absolutely destroyed), ate dinner on her balcony floor (the smell of her cooking would often entice the neighbours and she would end up feeding seven mouths instead of two), napped in the hammock, went for coffee, ate banana bread, had some deep convos and most importantly we leaned into the art of doing absolutely nothing. It was bliss - my highlight was scooting down the road from Kuta to Gerupuk one night and the sky was LIT UP by stars because there is was zero pollution. I felt my cortisol levels decreasing every day. It was a wonderful time for me personally. I painted everyday, did yoga and deepened my meditation practice. I felt like I was in a state of flow. I also had a cracking tan.

During that time, I did a two week surf camp at Surf Camp Lombok where I met some amazing girlfriends who now make up my favourite and most outrageous WhatsApp group (I'll do a post on this expeirence, because it was really worth doing). I left Asia feeling restored, well rested and filled with an abundance of love and excitement (although I felt none of those things when transiting home. I swear my life just falls apart as soon as I step onto an airplane - the anxiety takes over and I always tell myself to please never step foot on a plane again, but then I always do).

On my flight home, I was full of anticipation - what now? The hardest part for me is ALWAYS deciding what to do next. I want to have maximum fun, but that does not always equate to maximum funds. Once I got back to the UK I went to visit friends in Newquay, which only made my decision harder - did I really want to leave these people behind again and start over... again?...

Whilst I was on my ski season, I had contacted a former employer to see if she had any vacancies working at the summer camp I used to work for when I was 20, just in case (I always like to have a few options lined up). She got back to me and said she absolutely did and would I like a job? Initially I thought it was silly, because the yachts were still calling mine (and my bank accounts) name and I felt too old to work at a summer camp. However, after A LOT of back and forth and visa issues ultimately killing my chances of another summer on the yacht (I’ll go into this on another post about working in the EU post Brexit) the States was going to be my fate.

The night before I left, I sat at the bottom of my stairs and had a panic attack. I cried and questioned myself again. My very lovely twin brother looked at me and said 'just go Bex, you're going to have the best summer of your life'. I begrudgingly grabbed my bag and he dropped me to the bus stop. Once on the bus, I did the classic and played Cinnamon Girl by Lana Del Ray on repeat and cried majority of the way up to Heathrow, thinking I was making a terrible mistake.

Cut a long story short, after the initial wobbles I ended up having a 10/10 summer. I got to reconnect with old friend I hadn't seen IN YEARS, I experienced being a kid again, I disconnected from my phone, I spent evenings talking, playing pranks, ghost hunting, being silly, drawing. I watched zero TV, I learnt how to wake surf and play pickle ball, I scrolled on my phone maybe five times in two months before bed, which was a win in itself. I got up every morning without an alarm clock and did things that my 19 year old self would have been so stoked for. I gained a new circle of friends, ate a lot of Lobster, went to Canada and spent a lot of time on the boat.

Perhaps the best thing about revisiting camp was noticing how much I had grown as a person since I was last there. In that 10 years I had transitioned into someone who was much more confident, self aware, understanding, loving and I had a lot more respect for myself. I felt proud for taking the risks I had and for embracing a slightly more unconvential life - though the choices I made were not always the most sensible for someone 'my age', they were definitely the most fun.

Two days after camp ended, I found myself sat at the head of a dining room table in Connecticut surrounded by smiling faces who were singing Happy Birthday to me. I had balloons on my chair and looked down at the most delicious looking vanilla cake. I swayed with embarrassment waiting for the song to be over (it always goes on for too long). I felt full of gratitude for these people who were strangers just three months before and who were now some of my closest friends - I thought back to the moment on my staircase when I nearly didn't go... Sometimes you just have to make a decision and go with it until it doesn't work then, then reroute. Lucky for me, going to America was not a regret.

Now that I am back in England, I am once again having to rethink my next steps, but this time, I am armed with a bigger bag of tools and a stronger head on my shoulders. I know that everything is going to work out and that I am capable of doing fabulous things. Don’t get me wrong, I am expecting wobbles, moments of self doubt, tears, self sabotage and I’ll question myself over and over, but I know that it’s part of the process and just something I have to overcome if I am to live a life where I am changing roles every six months!

My goal for my 31st year is to prioritise my health, travel some more and create some financial stability for myself. I want to fulfil my creative passions and show up for the people that I care about. Fun will also be high on the priority list, of course ;)

A couple of lessons I learnt this year:

Number 1 - Life does not always pan out exactly like you thought it would - sometimes it pans out even better. I will say, that I did not for one second think I would be typing this blog post from my parents living room, on a Saturday night, but I know it’s part of the process.

Number 2 - Making a decision is better than not making a decision. Life is going to work itself out how it should regardless of what decision you make, so just make one and figure it out as you go. I have to remind myself of this DAILY because it's something I struggle with.

Number 3 - Know your self worth, if something doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. Don't make excuses for shitty behaviour and if you act shitty, hold yourself accountable. Don't settle for a job or a person who doesn't make your insides burn with excitement.

Number 4 - It doesn't matter that you are still single. Yes this one has certainly got to me over the years as I've watched friends meet the loves of their lives and wonder if I did something horrific in my previous life to still warrant being single. I've learnt that everyone moves at a different pace and that's okay. Sometimes we have to clear certain blockages before we can let someone amazing into our lives (which we want to be ready for).

Number 5 - Never stop being silly. Life is meant to be fun. Surround yourself with people who make you feel like you can be your most authentic self and if you can't, then they are not your people. Life is so dumb when you think about it - we spend hours comparing ourselves to randoms on the internet we'll never meet, liking pictures of influencers we won't remember in the morning, we make excuses not to call each other, we stalk ex's, we wish we were thinner but then don't prioritise our health, we don't spend enough time outside. We think the whole world is against us when work sucks, or it starts to rain on the way home, or we find out that someone we love doesn't love us back - the thing is, the world is never against us, it's just trying to teach us a lesson and it's up to us whether we learn and rise, or suffer.

Number 6 - Failure and rejection help us to grow into better people. Every time we fail, we have to find a way pick ourselves back up and rebuild. This sucks, but it will make us more resilient and the next time we get rejected, it won't sting as much as the first time.

Cioa for now,

Bex.