Dating in My 30s: A Quiet Realisation.

I am 32 and single. I have been single for many years now, and I’ve never been in a long-term relationship (well, anything longer than 9 months). For a long time, that felt like something I had to explain or be embarrassed about. I genuinely believed there must be something wrong with me - that I was weird, ‘too fat’, not funny or sexy enough, or somehow lacked whatever quality made all the other girls, “the chosen ones.”

I spent years asking myself why nobody wanted me, and sometimes I still catch myself doing it.

But over the last couple of years, as I’ve moved into my thirties, something has quietly shifted. Not in a dramatic, cinematic way. There was no single heartbreak, no sudden epiphany, no particular person that ‘changed everything’ - there was just a slow and often painful realisation that the way I relate to men - and more importantly, to myself - is no longer the same.

Looking back on my dating history, it’s safe to say I’ve had my fair share of unique experiences. When I was in my twenties, I told myself my being single was ‘so fun!’, but it was, in fact, highly anxiety-inducing and filled with self-loathing.

I’ve had moments that I've mentally blocked from my mind. For instance, one guy I hooked up with asked me if my flatmate was single the minute I woke up, whilst I was still in his bed - I was absolutely mortified. Another time, during a university ski trip, I found myself next to a guy who snored so aggressively that I had to sleep in the bathtub. I quietly sobbed until the early hours of the morning until I could make a run for it. A few years later, I hooked up with a famous (at the time) rugby player who asked me what ‘toys’ I had whilst wearing socks of his dead dog. Then, later that night, my ex walked in out of the blue and asked if he could JOIN IN?!

Cringe-worthy holiday romances didn’t escape me either… I once woke up in a 12-bed dorm room with a girl smiling awkwardly. I was genuinely worried I was going to turn into a tragic meme (at the time, I thought I was having the life of my life)!

I’ve had relationships with walking red flags because I thought I could change them (how FOOLISH of me). I’ve experienced intense situationships that exposed many of my deepest insecurities, and I literally couldn’t run away because I was on a mountain?! I have also dated guys that I genuinely cared about, but who did not care about me. I’ve been with men who used to put me down, ignore me or use me to get over their exes. I’ve been ‘loved bombed’, ‘ghosted’, ‘bread crumbed’, ‘gaslit’, you name it…

What most of these experiences have in common is my self-worth, or lack of it...

It is sad to write this now, knowing what I know now. But in my twenties, I had very low self-respect when it came to guys and how I treated myself. I was a young, naive girl with a big personality who loved going out, being social, getting pissed up and was totally obsessed with boys. I enjoyed the challenge of making men like me. Validation became my currency. It didn’t matter if they were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, barely replied to my messages, or were already taken. Being desired - even temporarily - gave me a dopamine hit strong enough to drown out everything else. I loved the thrill of it all and the ego boost it gave me. But when these guys inevitably disappeared or lost interest, the rejection quietly chipped away at my confidence and fed my crippling anxiety, leaving me to feel like I was the most unlovable person alive.

The worst part about all of this is that I didn’t learn my lesson at university. Oh no… The fun single persona continued into my mid-to-late twenties when I moved to London. It eventually came to a crescendo when I was 26 and did something really stupid. It felt like a punch to the gut, and I remember thinking, ‘What the fuck, Bex?’ Around the same time, I was also deeply unhappy in my job, and London was giving me weekly panic attacks, so I quit and ran away to the Alps. I remember driving home to my parents' house feeling full of shame and upset with some of the choices I had made.

During my time in France, I had a blast! I found my calling for hospitality and seasonal work and was able to suppress some of my darker emotions, but I was still boy hungry and insecure… I also noticed something strange. Emotionally available, stable men made me feel uneasy. During my time there, I met someone genuinely kind and interested, and instead of feeling excited, I felt suspicious. I remember thinking, “Why would you want me? I’m a mess.” Naturally, I self-sabotaged that relationship because I just wasn’t ready to deal with all the emotions that were bubbling at the surface. I did learn some good lessons, and there was a glimmer of hope that I could be loved for who I am.

A few years after that experience, I started to spend more time alone, and surely enough, all the haunting dating experiences I had dismissed as being “no a big deal” began to seep into my everyday life. The self-loathing intensified, and I felt incapable of being myself in relationships, in fear of beinf rejected.

Then I turned 29, and things got a bit out of control. I had a horribly messy breakup, which left me reevaluating my whole personality and whether I was even a good person. I then experienced a decline in confidence about my appearance after turning 30 - thoughts of oh my god, do I need Botox ruminated in my brain and ‘will I ever find someone?'. I began experiencing insane bouts of jealousy towards some of my closest friends for having kids and getting married, and then I did the worst thing you can do and started COMPARING myself to everyone online (which we all know ever ends well).

Despite everything I had learnt over the years, I still found myself falling victim to my bad habits, and at the end of 2024, I met a guy on one of the apps who had very sexy arms. We had a good time when we were together, but we weren’t vibing on a deeper level. The sex was really fun, and I liked his company, but something was missing, so I told myself to stop seeing him, but I didn’t. Instead, I tried to pursue it even more, which resulted in him phasing me out. I was so pissed off and hurt. I thought, ‘How dare he!’ The rejection triggered all my past experiences, and I felt horrible.

After that, I told myself that the only way I could navigate things properly was to be a big girl and force myself to be honest with myself and realign with my gut instincts (something I had long abandoned). I had to separate my bruised ego and all my insecurities from the reality of the situation - it isn't ME, I am just not compatible with these people.

I then saw a quote from Jillian Turecki (one of my favourite online experts), which I deeply resonated with. It said:

‘Some people meet the right person early in life. Others meet them after years of mistakes, heartbreak, and finally learning who they are. Both paths are valid. You can’t redo the past. But you can start from exactly where you are, with everything you’ve learned. Respect your path.'

With that in mind, I put my foot down and stopped dating men who didn't even come close to what I truly wanted. I noted how short flings and one-night stands are not good for me and never will be. I wrote a list of attributes I want in someone and decided to pause dating in 2025.

This year has definitely been a big year of progress. I am learning to respect my needs, to sit with discomfort instead of numbing it, and to stop performing for affection. It’s been uncomfortable and messy, but it’s been real. I’ve spent more time alone and love it, which has fuelled my healing. I am regaining confidence in who I am and know now that I was never a bad person; I was just lost and insecure. I didn’t know my own worth… my own strengths! I am catching myself more often than ever before, which feels hugely empowering.

I had a moment earlier this year when I nearly hooked up with someone that my 25-year-old self would have bent over backwards for, but I didn’t. Deep down in my subconscious, I knew it wasn’t going to mean anything on a deeper level and that it would all end in tears. I can not tell you how proud I was of myself in that moment - for saying ‘no’ and for putting myself first.

I know that two people can have chemistry and have fun together, but be on completely different paths and want different things from life. That doesn’t make anyone the villain - lack of honesty from the beginning does.

Being honest about my needs is now a non-negotiable. If I happen to meet a man who can meet me at my level and rise to the challenge of being part of my world, then I would love that. But if he can’t, then I have to accept that he isn't for me and that it is not my fault. I’m starting to understand that rejection isn’t a reflection of my self-worth; it's just incompatibility being revealed early, and knowing this is such a HUGE relief.

Why chase someone who doesn’t want you when you are so wonderful? It doesn’t make sense!

I am not single because I’m ‘too much’. I am single because I am choosing to be. I am prioritising spending time putting myself first, healing old wounds, and being a better, healthier person. I am pursuing my dreams and achieving everything I set out to do, without restraint from anybody. How cool is that?

For the first time in my life, I don’t feel ‘behind’ or totally unlovable like I used to. I am just a woman who went down a different path than my friends, and that is okay.

I haven’t met the love of my life yet, but I know that when I do, I’ll have a deep satisfaction knowing that I never settled or took less than what I deserved.

I’m proud of the life I have created, and boy, do I have some funny stories to share around the dinner table.